Doctor Who: The Anchorite’s Echo

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In 2005 I was lucky enough to contribute a Doctor Who short story to a Christmas-themed anthology from Big Finish –  Short Trips: A History of Christmas , which was edited by Simon Guerrier.  It’s long out of print, and I certainly can’t charge for it, but I don’t think there’s any rule against me giving it away. So here is some free stuff – my first published short story, an adventure for the seventh Doctor and Ace.

I have measured out my penitence in Christmases.

It was Christmas day when they bricked me up in my cell at the back of the church. The choir were making the most beautiful music. The congregation prayed for my good health and gave thanks for my sacrifice as the mason laid the bricks that sealed me in, leaving only a small window through which I could receive food and water.

It was an honour to serve the people of this parish as their anchorite. I became part of the fabric of their church, fasting and praying for the safety of the community that had raised me. I was their talisman, their totem, their good luck charm. My offering served to insure the village from pestilence and famine and drought and war. As long as I remained in my cell, praising the Lord and begging his mercy, my charges in the world outside would remain safe. No calamity would befall them.

Even now, so many years later, I still ask myself what it was about me that was not worthy…

 

‘Thank you.’

‘You are… welcome. Are you… are you an angel?’

‘No. Far from it. Too far, sometimes. I am just a man trying to do the right thing.’

‘You say that as if you find it difficult.’

‘More and more, these days. People keep dying.’

 

Christmas has changed so much since my penitence began. The rituals, the songs, the prayers are all different. Protestantism holds sway now, and a poor anchorite, a relic of Catholicism, is ignored, an uncomfortable reminder of days past.

I do not speak to my congregation any more. I abide in my cell and watch them worship, waiting for a chance to atone. A chance that finally came this morning, this Christmas morning, when the Demon came to Little Brockton.

It arrived in a flash of hellfire and brimstone. The heavy oak doors of the church, so solid for so many centuries, cracked and split and burst inwards with a stench of sulphur. The Demon emerged from the smoke, striding down the aisle towards the altar.

It was a giant, nearly six feet tall, clad in armour that was scarred and mottled from its time in the Pit. Its face was blood red, and horns rose from its temples, twisting about its skull like streamers of bone.

In its hand it held what I took to be a pistol of some kind, which it raised and pointed at the priest. A tongue of flame leapt from the weapon and our priest was gone, sucked into a column of smoke and drawn down into the depths of hell itself.

‘You… will…be… SILENT!’ The demon howled at the villagers, who screamed and wailed and cowered in their pews.

‘SILENT!’ It cried again, and the wailing subsided to a faint sobbing of prayer and supplication.

I wondered if once again I was going to have to watch my community die in torment as I sat helpless to intervene.

 

‘Death is God’s judgement, it comes to us all.’

‘Hmmm. I suppose you’re wondering what all that was about.’

‘I do not wonder. I watch, I wait, I pray.’

‘Pray for what?’

‘Absolution for my crimes.’

 

‘Or what?’ shouted a voice from outside. A man of normal height stepped through the wreckage of the church doors and walked to the aisle. ‘What exactly do you think you’re going to do? Where precisely do you imagine you’re going to run to?’

The newcomer was dressed in a cream suit of the most uncommon cut. A red neck tie dangled from his collar and a straw hat sat atop his head. In his hand he held a walking stick with black cloth furled around it, the purpose of which I was unable to divine. His voice had the faintest burr of Scots to it, and his gaze darted hither and thither, absorbing the details of his surroundings.

For one instant his sight fell on the small window to my cell, the tiny opening through which I was observing these events. His eyes narrowed and his head cocked slightly to one side, as if in curiosity, or recognition. The wisdom, the depth, the compassion in that momentary glance was like a balm to me. This was no ordinary man.

As the fog of smoke from the Demon’s entrance dissipated they stood there, facing each other along the church’s long aisle – the Demon and the man – flanked by my congregation, ranged left and right in their pews, too terrified to move.

The man stood still, casually leaning on his stick. The Demon hunched its shoulders and breathed heavily, like a cornered animal. It raised its weapon and pointed it first at the pews to the left, then those at its right.

‘It’s over, don’t you see that?’ said the man, and in his tone of voice he seemed almost to pity the Demon. ‘Your plan has failed, your fleet is destroyed, your troops are gone. There’s no-one left. There’s just you. You and your gun,’ he spat the word with the utmost contempt. ‘Can you really hope to conquer a world on your own, with nothing but a single weapon?’

The Demon ceased its wavering, slowly raised itself to its full height, and stared the man straight in the eye.

‘I no longer need to conquer the whole world, Doctor,’ it said. ‘I only need to conquer you.’

He raised his gun and aimed it squarely at the man’s – the Doctor’s – chest.

 

‘What crimes could you possibly have committed, my friend?’

‘The greatest crime an anchorite can. I was unworthy.’

‘Of what, of whom?’

‘Of my congregation. They died, Doctor. They all died.’

 

‘Ha!’

The Demon paused, confused.

‘Sorry,’ said the Doctor. ‘Just struck me as ironic.’

The Demon’s gun wavered.

‘Ironic?’

‘Yes. You came here to conquer the world in order to bring the rule of your gods to its people, to purify them and make them holy, and here you are, committing murder in a temple.’

The Demon gasped.

‘Temple?’

‘Yes,’ replied the Doctor. ‘Look around you. This is a holy place. This is where the people of this community come to worship their God.’

‘They have gods?’ It seemed shocked.

‘No, well, not hereabouts, anyway. No, here they worship just the one God.’

The Demon’s hideous, misshapen face appeared to register disgust.

‘One God? Only one? Heathens. Peasants. Our gods would strike them down for such blasphemy.’

‘Yes, I suppose they would,’ said the Doctor, ‘but here you are in the house of their God. You’ve killed their holy man, and you’ve interrupted their worship on the holiest day in their calendar.’

‘You lie,’ spat the Demon.

‘Oh no I don’t. Today is the day they call Christmas. It’s the day they celebrate the birth of their God, the day they believe he came to save them. From the monsters. Monsters like you.’

The Demon appeared confused, uncertain how to respond to this information. And as it stood there, looking around at the plain church walls that surrounded it, the relics of Catholicism long since stripped away by the puritan zeal for simplicity, I realised that it was afraid.

The Doctor pressed his advantage, walking slowly down the aisle towards the Demon, his echoing footsteps punctuating his pronouncements.

‘He is a powerful God, you know. More powerful than yours. Yours just pop up every now and then, zap a few sacrifices to keep you in line, tell you which world to conquer next, and then pop off again.’

The Doctor continued his wary progress towards the increasingly agitated Demon. The parishioners sat on either side of him, hands clasped together in mute, terrified prayer.

‘The God of this world is all-seeing, all-knowing, all-powerful,’ he said. ‘If you continue to defile his holy place he will surely strike you down.’

And as the Doctor continued to walk towards certain death, I saw the vestry door behind the Demon crack open.

 

‘How did they die?’

‘You had rather ask why.’

‘All right, why did they die?’

‘Because of me, Doctor. Because of my weakness.’

 

A face appeared in the doorway, a young girl’s face, round and pleasant. Gently, quietly, ever so softly, the girl pushed the vestry door open and squeezed through into the apse. I realised in an instant what the Doctor was doing. He was distracting the Demon, allowing his acolyte to surprise it from behind.

‘I don’t believe in your God,’ bellowed the Demon. ‘Let him strike me down then, if he is so powerful. Let him come and finish me.’ It raised its pistol and fired once, incinerating Goodwife Baker in the front pew.

The Doctor stopped his advance, appalled.

‘That was unnecessary,’ he said quietly.

By this time the girl had crept out through the choir stall and was standing behind the altar. She looked left and right, frantically, as if searching for escape or… yes, a weapon.

She was clad in striped stockings, heavy boots and a dress that mocked all dignity. Atop this she wore a strange black coat which was covered in sigils of some kind. Her hair had been pulled from her face and tied back, harshly. She was the most unwomanly female I had ever seen.

‘I deny your God, Doctor,’ the Demon cried. ‘I slaughter his followers in his temple and he does nothing. He is a weak God, if he exists at all.’

The Demon stepped forward, emboldened. It strode towards the Doctor until it stood halfway down the church aisle, face to face with its pursuer.

‘Let us see if he can save you now,’ said the Demon, as it reached out one huge clawed hand and wrapped it around the Doctor’s neck. The girl in the apse began to panic. She had lifted an incense burner, its heavy brass weight anchored at the end of a long chain, but the Demon was too far away for her to strike.

The Demon lifted the Doctor off the ground by his throat.

‘And now, Doctor,’ it whispered, ‘you shall die, then so shall all the cattle in this godless temple.’

 

‘What happened?’

‘I had been the anchorite of this parish only two months when the plague came. Our chandler was the first to fall, succumbing to infestation on his return from market. I prayed and fasted. I scourged myself almost hourly. It was my task to protect my parishioners from such visitations. But try as I might, the pestilence spread. Every day the congregation dwindled away while I, safe in my cell, remained healthy and untouched. My charges were taken by the Lord and I was preserved, left to watch them die, to witness daily the terrible cost of my own unworthiness. I should have saved them, Doctor, but I could not. I was weak, impure, ungodly. It took a long time for the village to die. Farmer Broadbent was the last to succumb. He brought me my last meal and then sat in the final pew, praying for mercy. He died even as I watched. It was Christmas morning, one year to the day from my internment. I had wrought such devastation. Such devastation in only one year.’

‘It wasn’t your fault. What could you possibly have done?’

‘I should have better tended my immortal soul, Doctor. My purity should have saved them. For if he cannot save the lives of the people in his care, what good is an anchorite? What purpose does he serve before God?’

‘I see. And so you’ve been sitting patiently here ever since. Waiting for a chance to atone.’

‘Yes, Doctor. Waiting. Just waiting. Until today.’

 

The Doctor’s feet were off the ground, kicking helplessly in the air. He dropped his cloth-bound stick, and it clattered to the floor. The girl shouted something, I did not hear what, and ran forward, but she could not possibly reach the Demon before it snapped the Doctor’s neck. My parishioners cried out in horror once more.

I stood, peering through my cell window, powerless to intervene. What could I do? Unless I could find some way to prevent this slaughter I would have to watch my village perish one more time. Was this to be my punishment? Forced to watch communities rise up and be cut down, time and again, a never-ending cycle, a reminder of my own failures? The thought was so painful to me that, entirely unconsciously, a strangled sob escaped my breast.

And I heard it.

Could it be that I…?

Without hesitation, I bellowed.

‘THERE WILL BE NO MORE DEATH IN MY HOUSE!’

The words burst from me and the sound spiralled up, up into the rafters, caught in the stone and wood of the ancient building, my cry echoed back and forth, its message amplified by the bones of my church. My voice seemed to fill the very air.

The Demon stopped dead, as if encased in ice. It looked terrified.

‘YOU WILL RELEASE MY SERVANT IMMEDIATELY!’

The Demon did so. The Doctor landed cleanly, like a cat, never losing his balance.

‘You see,’ said the Doctor. ‘I told you so. The God of this place is stronger than your petty Godlings. He can destroy you like that.’ He snapped his fingers in the face of the transfixed Demon. ‘Put down your gun,’ he said. ‘It’s over.’

The girl resumed her progress, heavy brass censer dangling from her hands on its chain.

The Demon hesitated. ‘I deny this,’ it said, but its hunched shoulders and staring eyes belied its words. ‘There is no God here. This is more of your trickery.’

‘LAY DOWN YOUR WEAPON, DEMON,’ I shouted, ‘OR I SHALL STRIKE YOU DOWN INTO THE VERY PIT OF HELL.’

The girl crept closer, almost there…

‘You heard him,’ said the Doctor, who had reclaimed his strange stick, and was jabbing its pointed end into the chest of the Demon for emphasis. ‘You’ve seen what your Gods do to their sacrifices. The piles of charred corpses, the screams as the flames consume them. That is nothing compared to what this God will do to you if you defy Him in His house.’

Closer…

‘Your Gods can’t save you here. You’re on enemy territory.’

I could think of no words to add, so I roared my rage at the rafters, and as the cry of fury echoed around the awestruck Demon’s ears it desperately turned its gaze to the roof, scanning left and right in terror, awaiting the wrath of a God that it now felt sure was about to descend upon it.

At that precise moment the girl swung the heavy censer in a wide arc and smashed it into the back of the Demon’s skull as hard as she could.

The pistol fell to the floor. Unsteady on its feet, the Demon turned to face its attacker, just in time for the censer to strike it once more, square in the face. It stood there for a moment, stunned, and then slowly toppled to the floor, unconscious, my mocking laughter ringing in its ears.

 

‘Because today you did save them.’

‘Yes. Yes, I did.’

‘Without your intervention I would have been killed, and so would everyone in this church, perhaps even everyone in the world. What was your given name?’

‘Paul. I was christened Paul.’

‘Well, Paul, your words saved your parish. Surely that’s atonement enough? Surely now you can stop waiting.’

‘How long has it been, Doctor? How long have I waited, do you know?’

‘A long time, my friend. Very, very many Christmases. It’s been nearly three hundred, or more, I imagine, since you died.’

‘Three hundred, that many… and can I go now? Am I released from my penance? It is over?’

‘Yes, I think so. Rest now, Paul the anchorite. Rest.’

Posted in Doctor Who, Fiction, Writing | Leave a comment

1990 – Season One

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1990 book coverSome years ago, browsing through a second hand bookshop, I stumbled across a TV tie-in book for a show called 1990. I was instantly intrigued.

A BBC drama starring Edward Woodward as Jim Kyle, heroic leader of a resistance movement in totalitarian Britain? How is it that I had never heard of this show? And how could I see it?

Amazingly, for reasons long forgotten, I didn’t buy the book, but recently, after years of searching I finally got my hands on the series.

Created by one of TVs great unsung heroes, Wilfred Greatorex, it ran on BBC2 for two season of eight episodes broadcast in 1977/8. But although 1990 was on at exactly the same time as Secret Army, a show with which it shares many similarities and themes and on which Greatorex was a creative consultant, it has aged far less well.

The first problem is Gretorex’s opening two parter. It’s strong on character and ambience but frustratingly free of details. Who are the totalitarian rulers, how did they come to power, what are their objectives, how do they exert control? It’s only over the course of the first eight episodes that the details are, sparsely, pencilled in, and then it’s done so piecemeal, by different writers, that it’s hard to extract a definitive statement.

But as the picture clears we are presented with a very sub-Orwell collection of oppressors.

In the series’ fictional timeline the Unions have brought the country to a standstill. The economy has totally collapsed, and a strong arm, union-led left wing government has taken power. No one can work, buy food or be housed without union cards and authorisation. A three day week has been imposed and having more than one job is illegal. Also, everyone has to sign a form declaring that they will not leave the country for ten years after they graduate, thus preventing a brain drain.

If you transgress one time too many all your cards are revoked and you join the 80,000 non-people living rough on London’s steets as a warning to the rest of the populace.

People make impassioned speeches about just wanting to pay their own way, and being criminalised for getting on their bikes and cleaning windows on rest days, and at one point Kyle sympathises with the poor landed aristocracy who’ve been turfed out of their crumbling piles. It’s not hard to conclude that Greatorex voted for Maggie.

The vision of a union controlled sub-communist future must have seemed ultra relevant to audiences bracing themselves for the winter of discontent. Now it seems almost quaint.

Prisons are largely obselete, with most punishments consisting of a month or two being forced to take ‘misery pills’. Racism against black people is also a distant memory; now it’s the Aussies and other former colonials who are despised, although it’s unclear exactly why.

Public order is maintained by the Public Control Department (PCD), a civil service dept working for the Home Office; essentially they are a bunch of bully boys monitoring and surveilling the population, keeping people in line with intimidation and bureaucracy.

As the series opens the PCD has set up a series of Adult Rehabilitation Centres (ARCs), to which dissidents will be sent for ‘treatments’. They’re frequently referred to by Kyle as Concentration Camps, but they’re portrayed as little more than rest homes where the worst the inmates can expect is a few drug treatments and bit of electric shock therapy designed to make them docile. All very Clockwork Orange, but hardly terrifying when stacked up against Auschwitz.

You see, the PCD are completely inept.

Their method of bugging people involves dropping pill-sized transmitters into jacket pockets, presumably on the assumption that people never put their hands in their pockets any more. This laughable ineptitude is often commented on by the heroes, and it robs the villains of their power, making them seem like bumbling twits. Kyle consistently eludes his overseers by taking his bug out and dropping it someone else’s pocket. What cunning!

Even worse, in one episode the PCD concoct a speech by editing together video of a person speaking to camera recorded on different days. Their continuity person is so bad that a pocket handkerchief appears and disappears throughout the speech, exposing their ruse and again, making them seem like utter planks.

When we do see the PCD putting the frighteners on people they’re similarly unthreatening. Yes, they provoke one poor woman to miscarriage, but not by beating her up or trashing her apartment – they simply pretend to have been bitten by her dog, which they take off to the vets as a ‘danger to public health’; they’re as gentle as Tristan bloody Farnon. In one episode they ever so politely shove a man aside and knock a few books off his shelf, and in another they rip the floorboard up in a house… and refuse to nail them back. The rotters!

All TV is state controlled, and all but a handful of newspapers are similarly trammeled. Our hero is Jim Kyle, a crusading journalist working for the last independent newspaper, trying to smuggle the truth into print whenever possible. In one episode the PCD fail to stop him getting hold of a big story but the typesetters union refuse to set it, as they consider it anti-government.

BIG problem here: totalitarian states do not tolerate crusading independent journalists. They vanish them. Kyle’s very existence de-fangs the enemy he stands against – if they were such a formidable threat they’d just shoot him in the back of the head and dump him at sea. Or feed him polonium. The show is flawed in its very core.

Kyle’s also, more interestingly, a modern Pimpernel, smuggling people out of the country at great risk, refusing payment no matter how many times it’s offered.

While the protagonists of Lifeline were risking life and limb over on BBC1, Jim Kyle was doing much the same thing on BBC2 except without any real sense of tangible threat or, tellingly, much of a budget. Secret Army could shoot exciting action and location sequences, 1990 is largely studio-bound. So much so that, in one unintentionally side splitting scene, Jim Kyle walks and talks for three whole minutes during which he barges through the same door and pauses to declaim in front of the same beige flat no less then EIGHT times in a row.

When they do leave the studio the show gets more fun. A sequence where Kyle and his buddy Tony Doyle, later to be so marvelously menacing in Between The Lines, sneak into an ARC to expose the Dr Mengele type goings on therein, is exciting but it only highlights how rarely such thrills occur. And the episode in which Kyle drives around London in a covert camper van is… well, words fail.

Woodward is, predictably, bloody brilliant. Kyle is witty and urbane, outraged and crusading yet with a deep cynicism and world weariness. But I can’t help wishing he were given more punching to do. And running and shooting and all the things he did so well in Callan. Not because I want him typecast, but because the series desperately needs the injection of excitement that would bring, and god knows if you want a bit of thrilling violence then Woodward’s your man.

How much fun to contrast his urbane public face with his lurking hardman, to highlight the double life he lives starkly, moving from press conference to nighttime smuggling operation, and back again, to explore the character of a man fighting the system with both his intellect and his fists.

But despite flashes of this, Woodward’s never quite given the opportunity to take the character anywhere genuinely interesting. I think, because 1990 was on BBC2 it seems almost wilfully determined to avoid anything as lowbrow as genuine excitement. ‘This is about ideas and themes, not entertainment,’’ says the show. But the same ideas and themes were being explored much more potently on the more mainstream parent channel, because Secret Army was able to conjure a real sense of threat that brought home to the viewer just how high the stakes really were in a way that talking about it in well-lit rooms just doesn’t.

So we have an inept enemy, bullying and bureaucratic but never really menacing or scary; a hero whose very existence beggars belief, and a show that is hidebound by both budgetary constraints and its own misplaced aspiration to Play For Today seriousness instead of primetime excitement.

What, then, is to recommend this?

Well, it’s so NEARLY brilliant. The premise has enormous potential that every now and then flowers into moments of genuine crusading outrage. Woodward is never a chore to watch. Also the central relationship between Kyle and PCD Deputy Controller Barbara Kellerman is fascinatingly complex and watchable. She smoulders and flirts but terrifies at the same time, and the mix of fascination and repulsion that she inspires in Kyle makes her a uniquely fascist femme fatale.

And finally, finally, in the last two episodes things start to become credible. Kyle is made the subject of a show trial, and then, when that fails, all his cards are revoked, he’s turned into a non-person and forced to scavenge on the streets to stay alive. Suddenly the show has become gripping, the enemy has shown their teeth and the hero is genuinely threatened. Things start to feel a little bit real.

The subplot of the finale is good too, as the PCD come up with a unified ID system, doing away with ration cards, identity cards, driving licenses et al, and combining them in one document designed to put an end to the black market but which, brilliantly, is so easy to forge that it brings down the economy. Again. It’s the first time this vision of the future feels genuinely prescient.

Unfortunately it all gets fumbled in the final minutes, when Kyle manages to blackmail the PCD into restoring his citizenship and a big reset button is hit that completely undoes the previous two hours of top telly, but for a while there you could see how good this show was capable of being.

I can’t help feeling that the first six episodes could have been dispensed with entirely, and the two part finale would have made a gripping opening, establishing the nature of the threat starkly and believably (minus the cop-out ending).

Then you have a show re-conceived, with a forgotten hero, a non-person, already made an example of, living outside the system, always trying to stay one step ahead of the authorities, perhaps running a secret Lifeline, living two or three or four different lives simultaneously. How exciting that would have been.

Oh, wait a minute, that was the Blake’s’s Seven pilot.

Or was it Secret Army?

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Independent online marketing & ‘Underwater Sunshine’

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A few years ago, Counting Crows kind of stunned everyone by walking away from Geffen and announcing they were an independent band.

Whether this was prompted by a perceived underperformance of the superb ‘Saturday Nights & Sunday Mornings’ or a wider dissatisfaction with the music business is unclear. But band leader Adam Duritz’s impassioned talk on interconnectedness, marketing and audience interaction at a recent technology event confirmed that he really, really gets the brave new world of digital independent music.

I was intrigued to see what they’d do with their next album, a set of covers called ‘Underwater Sunshine‘ due for release on 10 April. What new and exciting things were the band going to do to take advantage of their newly indy freedom and push their first indy release?

Stop Press: I’ve heard it, this is a great record by a great band and I want it to succeed more than I can say. That said, I’m about to criticise their online strategy, and writing a blog criticising my favourite band, even though my critique comes from love and passionate regard, leads me to worry that I might be being a dick, I certainly hope not, but here goes… if by any chance you’re reading this Adam, this is me trying to help, not tear you down in any way shape or form.

File:Counting Crows - Underwater Sunshine (Or What We Did On Our Summer Vacation).jpg

Things started well, when they ran a competition to crowdsource the cover art. This generated buzz and, perhaps surprisingly, a really good cover.

Today it seems they’re rolling out the next stage of their campaign, with the whole album being streamed in its entirety on a variety of music sites and blogs. Buzz is building, people are talking. Today there are loads of Counting Crows fans listening to the new songs and excitedly clicking to pre-order the music, like, right now. That’s how the internet works, right?

The first problem, and it’s a MASSIVE problem, is that the streams are geolocked – yup, you can only listen to the streams in the US. Happily, I have a proxy that gets around this, but why? Just… why? There’s no reason I can imagine for an independent artist to geolock anything. The ‘net makes geography irrelevant. I’m really struggling with this decision. It’s so counter intuitive, and seems to embody all the shibboleths of the music business the band have turned their back on.

(Don’t get me started on how miffed I was and remain that I can’t buy Counting Crows live from SoHo on iTunes over here in the UK. Grrr.)

Anyway, having circumvented the geolock, I went to www.countingcrows.com and clicked ‘pre-order the album’ and… nothing happened. The link appears to be broken in Chrome and goes nowhere (I eventually realised you can right click and open it in a new tab). I had to boot up IE to make the link work. That’s second massive huge barrier to entry. You can write off a bunch of orders right there.

Finally, the biggest problem of all: when I do get the link to work, where does it take me? Amazon!

I cast around, looking for somewhere else to pre-order and do find a second choice – iTunes!

Wow…

Guys, isn’t keeping a larger part of the profits generated by your talent and graft one of the main points of being independent? If I buy your record, I want the money to go to YOU not Amazon or iTunes.

I am not for one instant saying you shouldn’t make your record available to buy on these huge platforms, that would be self defeating. But come on, you’re an independent band, you’ve made great play of cutting yourselves out of the body politic of the big music business. Why not take advantage of that?

There are three independent artists I follow closely – Amanda Palmer, Jonathan Coulton and Ryan Adams. All three have played this game and played it well. All offer their music through their own websites, or Bandcamp. In addition, all offer a variety of packages for all types of fans, from the vanilla CD/download only option right up to the deluxe vinyl/CD/Download with book and t-shirt and footrub package for the very loaded fans. The higher price for the more elaborate packages is okay with me, as it allows me to put more money directly in the hands of the artists I want to support.

So how is it I’ve recently pre-ordered lovely packages from these independent artists, safe in the knowledge that the money was going straight to them, but when I click through to pre-order the new record by my favourite band, a group of artists I am super-keen to support in any way possible, I find myself confronted by the same old corporate infrastructure?

What makes this most frustrating is that Adam has demonstrated that he REALLY gets this stuff. But launching the online streaming/blog blitz to the US only, when the only pre-order options are Amazon and iTunes, strikes me as a huge missed opportunity.

Yes, non-US streams can be rolled out, and yes, a Counting Crows online store can be launched for direct sales – but all of that should have been in place when the blog/stream blitz launched. The internet is a medium of instant gratification, playing catch up with your own marketing blitz is not the best way to go about things.

I just hope it all gets sorted and doesn’t impact the sales too much because, I’ll say it again: This is a great record by a great band and I want it to succeed more than I can say.

Check out my interview with Adam Duritz

(And hey, check me out, I just wrote 960 words and managed to not once mention what a complete and utter dickwad Christopher Priest was on his blog yesterday. Go me!)

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Announcing ‘Target: Hitler!’

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Last summer I was lucky enough to do some writing for the forthcoming computer game Sniper Elite V2. Basically this meant doing some plotting, developing the narrative and scripting a bunch of cut-scenes and voiceovers. It was loads of fun and has now led to this press release, hot and shiny from the, um, press of my old buddies at Abaddon books:

Target: Hitler

Everyone knows the story of Adolf Hitler’s final days — cornered, insane, killing himself in despair as Berlin burned above him.

But this story is based solely on the eyewitness accounts of the people who shared the bunker with him—the people most loyal to the Führer; the people most likely to lie to protect him. The world’s foremost Nazi hunter has never believed the official account; he has spent his life chasing a phantom, convinced that Hitler escaped the bunker.

Now, as he lies on his deathbed, he receives a mysterious visitor; a man who claims to know the true story of Hitler’s death; a man named Karl Fairburn.

Is he just another conspiracy fantasist, or could his tale possibly be true…?

With the release of the hotly anticipated third-person World War Two shooter Sniper Elite V2 just two months away, Rebellion is to publish a special tie-in ebook.

Sniper Elite V2: Target Hitler is an exclusive ebook novella from Rebellion’s publishing imprint Abaddon Books.

Written by novelist and the Sniper Elite V2 game writer Scott K. Andrews, the thrilling book ties into the game’s pre-order downloadable content offer, in which players have one chance to kill the leader of the Third Reich before he escapes the ruins of Berlin.

The title will be published on 1st May and will be available for Kindle, Nook, Kobo, and through all major e-retailers.

Scott K. Andrews has written three novels for Abaddon—soon to be collected as the School’s Out Forever omnibus in September—as well as episode guides, magazine articles, film and book reviews, comics, and audio plays for Big Finish.

Posted in Abaddon Books, Sniper Elite V2 | Leave a comment

From the archives: Counting Crows

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Here’s a piece I’ve dredged up from the archives – early 2004, to be precise. At the time I was working for the BBC’s Top of the Pops website, which occasionally involved interviewing guests who had come to the studio to play on that week’s show. The highlight was when I got to have a sit down with Adam Duritz, the man behind what I would probably nominate as my favourite band, Counting Crows.

Here’s the interview, from April 2004, conducted in a dresssing room in TVC before their performance – and yes, you could see me on the broadcast, right at the front, singing along and dancing like a mad thing :-)

Adam Duritz

How’s your new drummer Jim Bogios settling in and how has the departure of Ben Mize affected the band?

Adam: It’s worked out great. It meant we had less vacation time because we had to do all the rehearsals but Jim’s really great – great drummer, great guy. We’ve all known him for a long time too, so he fits right in. It wasn’t like he was a new guy coming in. I’ve been friends with Jim for years, Immy [David Immergluck, Counting Crows guitarist] used to play in a band with Jim, and I know him through Sheryl [Crow] too. So it’s going real well. I mean, you miss Ben because you miss Ben, because you spent nine years together and every once in a while I find myself looking for him to tell him something, but I just have to call him. I did a radio show in Dublin the other day, DJing for two hours, and I had some of Ben’s demos with me so we opened the second hour with one of Ben’s songs and it made me remember how good they are. I know one of the reasons he wanted to stop is that he wanted to go do his own thing, and he’s really good. We’ve got tapes of that show and our earlier ones too, and we’re going to put them up on our website.

‘Big Yellow Taxi’ is a cover version and is a hidden track on the album, so why did you release it as a single rather than one of your own songs from ‘Hard Candy’?

Adam: I don’t think we would have released this as a single until some time next year, probably. There were other songs we were planning on doing first. We were in the middle of releasing ‘Miami’ but this film ‘Two Week’s Notice’ came to us and said ‘we want to use this in the credits, we want to use it in the film, we want to build the ad campaign around it, we want to make a video as well and use this song to portray the film’. That was just too big a deal to pass up. It’s hidden on the record right now so if we’d had more time we would have planned ahead to it being a single, it would have been listed and now we’re dealing with the fact that a lot of people don’t even know it’s on the record. But they made a video for us, and it’s in the movie, which is a hit in America, so there’s a lot of reasons why it made sense to do this song. It’s probably about six or eight months earlier than we would have but what are you going to do… it’s turning out great.

You’re on record as being very disappointed by the reception of ‘Recovering The Satellites’ but that later you felt people came to appreciate it for being as good as it is. How do you feel about the reception of the new album, ‘Hard Candy’?

Adam: It’s good. You have to understand that at the time of ‘Satellites’ my entire experience with the record business was that when I put out a record 10 million people bought it, that was just what I assumed happened, and that everyone loved the records we put out. I don’t think we got a bad review for ‘August And Everything After’. But what you realise after you’ve been in the business for a while is that people develop opinions about you that don’t have anything to do with your music, they like or dislike you for a million reasons, they like or dislike you for your last record. You can put out a record that’s crap but if they loved your last record they’re there for you, and you can put out a great record but if they hated or came to hate your last record at some point… I think ‘Mr Jones’ got on everybody’s nerves after a while, it certainly got on mine and I love the song. So by the time ‘Satellites’ came out I think people were fed up with it, well the critics were in any case. It still sold millions of records.

It was hard because I knew they weren’t reviewing it really because they were talking about it as a folk rock record and ‘Satellites’ is a loud, heavy guitar, sometimes almost punk record in places. The last thing it is is a re-hash of ‘August And Everything After’, it’s completely different which is, I think, why a lot of people had problems with it – they weren’t ready for ‘Angels of The Silences’ to be the single that came after ‘Round Here’. They weren’t expecting that, especially because there were about seven or eight radio songs on ‘August’ that went out and up the charts on their own just from radio play without us doing anything about it. And so when you’ve heard ‘Perfect Blue Buildings’ and the next song you hear is ‘Angels of The Silences’ you wonder what the hell is going on. The first thing on that record is ‘Catapult’ which is just screaming loud guitar noises… I’m trying to remember what the first four songs are… there’s ‘Catapult’, ‘Angels of the Silences’, ‘Daylight Fading’ and ‘I’m Not Sleeping’, which is also a bunch of caterwauling noise. So three out of those four songs are really loud songs, and the fourth, ‘Daylight Fading’, is sort of a jangly guitar song, but three of those were really not what people were coming to us to hear.

I still love the record. It’s a very raw record. The vocals on ‘August’ are very, I don’t want to say slick, very well sung but on ‘Satellites’ I purposefully made them really raw, I let cracks go in my voice, I wanted to vocals to be like scraping your nails on a chalkboard sometimes. What you realise as you go on in this business is that it’s not for those people, you do it for yourself and it turns out how it turns out because you can’t bother making the music they want you to make, it’s a wasted chase.

You had a hard time dealing with the attention you got after ‘August’, but now you seem a lot more comfortable and mellow about being famous. If you could go back and give your younger self advice on how to handle what was coming what would you tell him?

Adam: I wouldn’t really give advice to me. I don’t really think I acted weird at all. I think the thing people confuse about fame is that they think fame is something you do, but it’s not, it’s something other people do to you. I have problems with massive amounts of people acting like idiots around me. I was the same guy but the world started acting like complete idiots and I’ve got no patience for it. And also I don’t really like a lot of people to be honest with you, I’m not really that kind of guy, and all of a sudden everyone was in my face and I wasn’t really into it. So I don’t know what I would have done differently. It was so new and strange. The example I’ve used over and over is that if you woke up on Mars one morning you’d have to take a while to adjust to the gravity but after a while you do. You see, there was a certain thing that was my life up to 1993 and there was a certain thing that became my life after 1993 and it was very different and very sudden. But now that is my life, and it’s been my life for ten years now, so I’m quite well adjusted, I know how to deal with people, I know how to talk to people, I don’t feel like they’re attacking me I just feel like they’re coming up to say they like the music most of the time.

On which note, you post diary entries on your website, and talk to the fans about their message board posts, and that dialogue has been a little prickly at times. Do you ever wonder about the wisdom of making yourself so accessible?

Adam: No, because I think it’s for that. These are a lot of songs about someone having troubles with the world, someone who doesn’t fit in with people, someone who doesn’t get along with people and is solitary for that reason and I don’t want people to get comfortable with them and think… I’m not your dream come true, don’t confuse me with your dream come true, because that’s not what I’m saying in those songs. The guy in those songs is not the greatest guy in the world all the time. So what I want to do on my website updates is be me. I think it’s a really cool thing to give your fans is a real… it’s really me, it’s not sanitised, I don’t agree with everything they say, I’m not their best friend all the time. Sometimes I tell them about how I feel and it’s great, sometimes I tell them about how I feel and I’m furious, and if they talk crap I’ll call them on it and I don’t have any problem with that really. And they do get really ornerry at times, but whatever. I also think that the internet makes one person seem like a thousand people and you can have three nutbags who decide that it is their duty in life to argue about everything because that’s the kind of people they are. It doesn’t mean everybody’s that way but I think I do end up in arguments with the nutbags generally.

Which of your work are you most proud of and which if any of your work would you quietly sweep under the carpet if you could?

Adam: There’s demos of ours from before ‘August’ that I don’t think are so great but I’m not really that embarrassed by them because the truth is everybody has them, you not suddenly born great as a musician. And I didn’t release a lot of indie records with bands so that people could hear my development up towards ‘August’. So there’s material out there which I don’t think is so great but which some of our fans are completely enamoured with, which makes me think they have no taste at all in music, which is borne out by some of the other bands they like other than us sometimes! But that’s life. I don’t love that material so I don’t like to hear people shouting ‘play this’ but it doesn’t really bother me that much – I’m just not going to play it.

As far as what I’m proudest of, I really love ‘Satellites’, I just think that album is incredible and it really holds up to me. On ‘August’ the songs hold up, I really love every song on that record but some of the performances are callow and sort of youthful. We’d just been together a little while when we made that record and we didn’t quite understand how to play some of those songs yet, they’re so much better live today that’s it’s hard to love them in that form. All the other records I really love but probably ‘Satellites’ the most, probably just because it was such a leap forward for us and the songs are so gut-wrenching and beautiful and it has my best song on the record – I really think ‘A Long December’ is the best thing I’ve ever written.

There’s a solo piano version of that song that you did on a Dutch TV show that I’ve seen which is quite remarkable…

Adam: That’s actually a great story. What happened that day is that this cameraman kept walking right in front of me and putting the camera between me and the audience and sticking the camera right in my face and I kept saying ‘get out of my face’ and he just wouldn’t get out of my face. So finally, after two or three songs, I said ‘you know what, I’m done’ – it was my temperamental days – and I walked. I went up to the dressing room and they came upstairs later and said ‘is there any way you can come back down and play ‘A Long December’ and I said ‘you know what I’m not going to play it, you want to hear me play it bring a camera up here and I’ll play it for you right now’. So they brought a camera up and that was like… I was angry but I knew I was screwing up. So I’d never played it like that before, it was so different, it was very anguished. It’s a great version, I love that version.

‘I’m single and miserable and I’ve got four albums of bitching about it that I would offer as proof.’ Are you ever worried that if the right woman walked in through one door that your muse would walk out the other?

Adam: No, not really, because I’ve been in relationships and written lots of songs. I’ve written some of best songs… I wrote most of ‘This Desert Life’ when I was falling in love. I read once that someone asked Van Morrison that and he said that’s crap, if you’re a crap writer then maybe, but if you’re a good writer you write. And I can write, I can write an article for a book on movies, I can write updates on our website and I can write songs. I can write songs for our records, I can write songs for ‘Josie And The Pussycats’. I really think that it’s what I do. I’m sure they would be different but there’s so much difficulty in relationships that I think there would be things about that too. It’s just so hard. But songs about falling in love are great songs, I was falling in love when I wrote ‘A Long December’ and that’s the best song I ever wrote, really.

Finally, what are you listening to right now, what are you hearing that’s turning you on?

Adam: The band that’s touring with us right now, this girl Gemma Hayes. I’ve been listening to her album all the time, especially now that she’s playing with us. I got it about a year ago over here and I’ve been trying to get her to come on tour with us forever, it’s such a beautiful record, she’s so good, she really knocks me out. I’ve listened to that a lot this week. What else… I’ve been listening to this Slade album that I got, I have to get into it more because I’ve only heard it once, but it’s so good. I had never really listened to Slade but it’s a really awesome record. There are all these songs that other people covered that you didn’t like the covers of but they were actually really great when Slade did them. The Slade version of ‘Cum On feel The Noize’ is a fantastic song and I just didn’t get the versions that much. I just heard this album ‘Fitzcarraldo’ by the Frames, they’re an Irish band. Gemma was talking about them a lot last week so I had a friend get me their record, I was just listening to them in the room and it’s really good.

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Calling All ’Scapers!

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Farscape Rewatch

Back in the dim and distant I wrote a book all about a TV show called Farscape – Uncharted Territory.

That book covered the first three seasons of the show and was commissioned by Virgin Books just as the SciFi Channel in America announced they’d be making seasons 4 and 5, so I was confident the book would get a second edition.

Unfortunately, it was published THE EXACT DAY SciFi announced the show was in fact being cancelled. Virgin responded by remaindering my book pretty much instantly. (I shouldn’t complain — one friend of mine had his Smallville episode guide recalled and pulped after three days on the shelves!)

Ten years later, I’ve reclaimed the rights from Virgin and have just started running a revised edition of the book as a weekly blog over at tor.com. I’ll be covering one episode a week and this time I’ll cover the fourth season and the mini-series that wrapped things up. I won’t be re-posting the blogs here, I’ll keep them exclusive to tor.com, but I’ll promote them here from time to time.

So if you’ve never seen Farscape – and it’s just come out as a blu-ray and DVD box set, and is available on Netflix in the US – or if you’re a longstanding fan eager for an excuse to watch it all over again, please come join in the fun.

Blog 1 – Calling All ’Scapers! An Introduction to the Farscape Rewatch
Blog 2 – Farscape Rewatch: “Premiere”

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Scott’s 2012 state of the union

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So, 2012, we meet at last! Let’s recap…

I started 2010 by finishing off my Highlander scripts, then spent four months writing Childrens’ Crusade.

In the second half of 2010 I spent four months working VERY hard on a screenplay which I entered in the Red Planet Prize – when it didn’t even make it past the first round, I must admit I was pretty gutted and it took the wind out of my writing sails somewhat. I hadn’t expected to win, but to not even get past the first round really surprised me. Oh, hubris!

I started 2011 in a bit of a slump without a book deal lined up – in fact, without any commissions at all in the bank. My plan was to write a book off my own bat and shop it around. I made a fair start but then life got in the way – job changes, an unexpected house move which was very stressful indeed, illness, a prolonged and pretty crippling bout of depression – it was all a bit of a jumble.

Then the second writing-related gut punch came in 2011 when, despite absolutely rave reviews from all quarters, the Highlander box set failed to find enough of an audience to guarantee another series. Oh, I had SUCH plans!

I began to think that maybe I wasn’t really a writer at all, merely ‘that guy who wrote some stuff once’, which is a very different thing.

Sometime in July I decided to stop writing for a while and concentrate on getting my life in order and getting well. It was the right decision – I was putting too much pressure on myself.

In the end I didn’t take a complete break – I was unexpectedly approached by Rebellion to do some writing work on a forthcoming computer game called Sniper Elite V2. I jumped at the chance to try something new. It required less creativity from me, and more meticulous careful craft, as I was working to a tight brief with limited room for maneuvre. But I found it very rewarding and fun, and I think my contribution will make it a better game.

Meanwhile, something rather wonderful and unexpected happened during the year. At the second SFX Weekender and then at the BFS Convention in Brighton, I got to hang out with lots of genuinely lovely people and started to feel, for the first time in a long time, that I had a peer group I really liked and with whom I fitted in.

If it was my family’s extraordinarily generous help in sorting out our domicile that helped set my domestic life back on track, it was my experiences at these conventions, and the friendships I’ve made with the people I met there, that helped get my head sorted out, reassured me that yes, I was still a writer, and reaffirmed my decision to resume writing in 2012.

Towards the end of the year I broke my hiatus to write a short story for Pandemonium: Tales of the Apocalypse, which I have to say I’m very proud of. The launch event for the book, at which I gave a reading, coincided with my 40th birthday. It was such a wonderful and well received do that it cemented my determination to start 2012 with a bang. I don’t think I can adequately express how grateful I am to Jared and Anne of Pornokitsch for their support over the past couple of years.

So, one month into 2012, how has my New Year’s Resolution played out?

I started badly – I had a invitation to write a short story for the second Pandemonium anthology. I was keen, and had plenty of time to come up with something… but I got nada. Nowt. Zilch. For some reason the muse was sulking and I eventually had to pass on the opportunity, which really annoyed me.

Then, a novella commission that I thought was a slam dunk was cancelled before I even started writing it.

To top it all, I had to cry off attending this year’s SFX Weekender 3, because I simply couldn’t afford to go. I cannot stress how much this sucks.

I began to think maybe 2012 wasn’t going to be much different to 2011 after all – maybe it was even going to be worse!

But I refused to give up.

Firstly, I was sitting on an open invitation to pitch for a series of audio plays. I decided that no matter what, I would land a commission, and I started pitching like crazy. In all I’ve pitched eleven story ideas this month. Eleven! That’s a lot for me, but dammit, I was determined. Finally, last week, one of them stuck and I got the greenlight to turn it into a proper outline. It’s not a commission, but it’s one in the win column for persistence. I’m working on the outline at the moment; fingers crossed.

Secondly, the day after the novella was canned, a commission for a totally unrelated novella landed in my inbox. I signed the contract last night and am already hip deep in research mode, with 2,000 words already written. My juices are flowing again.

Thirdly, having claimed back the rights to my Farscape episode guide book, I’ve sold them again to the Tor.com blog, where I’ll be running revised and updated versions of each episode guide as a weekly rewatch starting Feb 8th.

And while all this is going on, I have an editor waiting for the synopsis of a novel – I sent him the first 8,000 words a few months ago and he said he wanted to read more. Completing that synopsis will be my first job after the novella’s delivered.

So all in all, January 2012 has been a good month. Some downs, some ups, a solid commission, a well received pitch, a new ongoing blogging gig, and solid prospects for work beyond March. Most importantly, though, I’m back out there Getting Stuff Done.

Feels good. Maybe I am a proper writer after all…

Plus, coming in November, check out the lovely:

Afterblight omnibus cover

Posted in Memoir, Writing | 5 Comments

Death & Fear & Horror, oh my!

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Back in the dim and distant I used to write copy for the Top of the Pops website. Yesterday I was asked to provide samples of my online writing, so I dug out this little beauty from 8 years back to demonstrate how I can tailor my writing to an established house style; in TOTP’s case the house style was basically ‘snarky pisstake* with lots of alliteration’.

Top 5 Most Depressing Depeche Mode Lyrics

One day these men will be DEAD!

Check out the suffering on display! The pain... oh God, the PAIN!

You can keep your Smiths and your Leonard Cohens – the Mode are the kings of pain, the sultans of sadness, the maharajahs of misery, the apotheosis of angst. If you really want songs to slit your wrists to look no further than the Basildon lads, they’ll see you right. The first hint of the Mode’s future moroseness came with the early Vince Clark-penned track ‘Sometimes I Wish I Was Dead’, but it was the aptly named Martin Gore who took the theme to the heights. Or the depths, depending upon your perspective.

  1. For example, check out ‘Black Celebration’s little paeon of joy: “Let’s have a black celebration tonight, to celebrate the fact that we’ve seen the back of another black day.” Cripes lads, what’s wrong, your lottery numbers not come up again? Or perhaps someone else ate the last rolo? This title track of their fifth album from 1986 firmly established the band as far and away the most depressing mainstream popsters of the day.

  2. ‘Girlfriend In A Coma’? Pah! Suck on this, Mozza: “Girl of 18, fell in love with everything, found new life in Jesus Christ. Hit by a car, ended up on a life support machine.” Alright, pop pickers! ‘Blasphemous Rumours’ contained a verse about a girl slitting her wrists and failing to kill herself. You get the impression that it was only a sad verse because she failed. This is a band that only a few years earlier were a cheery synth combo singing poppy love songs. Now they take time out to give God a good old telling off for being a sick sod.

  3. Your girl’s left you, you feel bad. Do you sing ‘walk right back’? Do you conjur metaphors to tell her how much you loved her smile? No, you sing a song about how you “would stop this thing from spreading like a cancer“. Nice. Love as manifestation of terminal illness. And there’s more: “You know how hard it is for me to shake the disease that takes hold of my tongue in situations like these“. Great, now he’s got a diseased tongue. Ick.

  4. Mark Knopfler once wrote a cheery song which had a chorus that began: “Sometimes you’re the windscreen, sometimes you’re the bug“. It was a quirky, funny little track. The Mode have a take on the same idea. It’s not so chirpy: “Death is everywhere. There are flies on the windscreen for a start. Reminding us we could be torn apart tonight.” Ooookay. But it doesn’t end there, oh no: “Death is everywhere. There are lambs for the slaughter, waiting to die, And I can sense the hours slipping by tonight.” Good grief man, go watch an episode of Frasier or something. Crack a grin for heaven’s sake.

  5. Check out this litany of horror from ‘New Dress’: “Sex jibe husband murders wife, Bomb blast victim fights for life, Girl Thirteen attacked with knife, Jet airliner shot from sky, Famine horror, millions die, Earthquake terror figures rise“. Doesn’t it just make you want to put on your happy shoes and dance the night away? Or perhaps it just makes you want to drink neat alcohol and take refuge in the slow blindness, deafness, madness and death that it brings as sweet release from the pain and horror and misery and torture… and oh god it’s all too much…

*What do you mean ‘that wouldn’t be a stretch’?

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Digital Communications: What is your homepage for?

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In my day job I manage social media accounts and homepages for large organisations. I tend not to blog about that much, but I’ve recently been trying to quantify my approach, to nail down exactly what it is I bring to an organisation. What follows over the next few blogs is, in effect, my personal statement of intent – this is the philosophy I will champion if your organisation hires me to look at your online communications.

There are two predominant approaches to the homepage of a big organisation that isn’t primarily a business – by this I mean perhaps a Government Department, an NGO or a Charity, Foundation or pressure group.

The first is to treat the page as, in effect, the front page of a brochure. The primary focus will be on unchanging static links to content describing what the organisation is and does. These pages will favour large, splash graphics and simple mission statement sentences, with changing content pushed further down page, relegated to second tier importance.

The second is to make the front page a dynamic shop window for a regularly updated collection of compelling content which allows the work of the organisation, and the voices of the people who work for and with it, to speak for itself. It should be a collection of stories about your organisation, it’s work and its people, which will communicate who you are and what you do far more compellingly than a few paragraphs of bland corporate permatext.

I’m not saying you should do away with the ‘About us’ and ‘Who we are and what we do’ pages, that would be madness, if only because a large percentage of your visitors have been trained to expect them. Such pages need to be present,  prominent and professional. But they must not be the primary business of the page – they should be secondary to *stories*.

Compelling stories communicate your aims and identity far better than yet another focus-grouped infographic.

The message may be slightly less focused or targeted, but the content will aim to compensate for this by being more engaging and attempting to encourage more repeat visits and deeper engagement.

In my experience, the latter type of homepage is always the most effective communication tool for any organisation.  But as I champion this type of page I constantly bump up against one recurring counter-argument: but is this supported by the stats and how do you measure ROI?

You see, the argument customarily employed for adopting the primarily static version is that it reflects the stats and user journeys; that it caters more specifically for ‘what people want’. But I question this.

It may be that the majority of people who visit your organisation’s homepage simply want to find out who you are, and then leave. But to cater primarily to this audience ignores one key fact:

The value of one engaged fan is many times greater than the value of one casual visitor.

If your organisation successfully engages one person with good content, makes them a fan, makes them feel an investment in your work and identity, that relationship is far, far more valuable in terms of reputation on and offline, and, potentially, in terms of revenue, than ten users who read a bland prepared About Us page and then go away again.

The primary business of a homepage platform in the current, socially driven internet environment should be to recruit and enthuse ambassadors.

If a homepage creates one fan who likes what you do, it does your organisation far more long-term good than if it neutrally informs ten passersby who leave the page enlightened but not engaged, and with no strong feelings about you either way. Those fans will share your links, mention you on Facebook and Twitter, talk about you favourably on and offline. They will sell you to the world far more effectively than you can sell yourself.

This is not news to anyone who’s been paying attention, but I’m surprised how often I have to keep making the case.

The stumbling block to this approach, however, is that the awareness raising these ambassadors do on your behalf is almost impossible to quantify. This makes many people very nervous, and they instead place their faith in stats. But blindly following and obsessing over stats is a mistake.

The social internet is far more random, chaotic and quixotic than any stat can ever convey.

Yes, stats fulfil the deeply ingrained desire for quantification, ROI assessment and all the gubbins that teams use to quantify and justify their work. But it’s a mirage, an illusion, a fool’s pursuit. It has to be thrown aside. The uncertainty of the new internet must be accepted and embraced.

Rather than primarily being a doorway to information about you and secondarily a portal to engagement, the best practice homepage should primarily seek to engage and secondarily seek to inform.

Information is a necessary consequence of engagement, but engagement is not necessarily a consequence of being informed.

Behaviour on the internet is unpredictable; a minor connection can snowball, even years later. The safest, best, most valuable way to manage online communications is to provide large amounts of compelling content and then to be approachable, honest and nice at all times to those people who respond to it, even if they respond negatively.

The primarily static page may *seem* to favour your immediate goals by answering the immediate needs of the largest number of visitors to the homepage. However I would argue that in the long term it ends up sacrificing both quantity and quality, and fundamentally misses the point.

Such a page is a homepage designed for the internet of 2006, not the internet of 2011, and it will not serve your organisation well.

Hire me.

I was responsible for planning and launching this: http://www.dcms.gov.uk/

I currently manage this: http://www.britishcouncil.org/

I only very occasionally blog about my day job. When I do this, please bear in mind that none of the views published here necessarily reflect the views of my employers, publishers, family, friends, pets, children et al. I mean, they might do, I haven’t asked them, but best take it as read that they disagree violently and think me, frankly, a bit of an embarrassment. It’ll be safer for everyone that way.

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Pandemonium

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Those lovely people at Pornokitsch, Anne and Jared – I call them The Pornos; they don’t laugh – have set up an imprint called Pandemonium Fiction to publish short story collections. The first, Stories of the Apocalypse,  contains original tales  inspired by the art of John Martin, and the book will be released in October 2011 to coincide with the Tate Gallery’s new exhibition of his work.  As well as stories by people like Jon Courtenay Grimwood, Lauren Beukes and Sophia McDougall it contains ‘A Private Viewing’, the first outright horror tale I’ve written.

“I don’t really think I believe in redemption.

Punishment, consequences, responsibility; these things I understand. It’s how I was raised, I suppose.

Reformation and rehabilitation, though, baffle me. It surely can’t be enough to just say sorry for the bad things you’ve done. And anyway, how can you prove you mean those apologies, that you’re not just saying whatever the world wants to hear?

Why should those of us who work hard, keep our heads down, treat our neighbours with respect and consideration, be nice to those who aren’t nice in turn? Doesn’t seem fair.

So no, I don’t believe in redemption.

I believe in justice.

Which explains, as far as anything can, why I did what I did…”

I’ll let you know when it goes on sale – eBook only, but in all formats –  so you can find out exactly what my ‘hero’ did, and why it may turn out to have been a very, very bad idea indeed.

Meanwhile, here’s the stunning trailer for the Tate exhibition:

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